


Well I Never

by hawkstout



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: All of this could conceivably happen in the DC universe, Babs ships it, Babs wants pictures, Brothers, Crossdressing, Drinking Games, F/M, Gen, Humor, Jason Todd is scarred for life, Jason had a screwed up childhood, Jason swears a lot for good reason, Mention of Genderswap, Mistaken Gender, Multi, Other, Some of it has, Translation Available: Chinese
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-01
Updated: 2013-02-06
Packaged: 2017-11-22 06:08:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/606644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hawkstout/pseuds/hawkstout
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's Christmas Eve and the Batfamily has gathered together. While Daddy Bats is away the little birds (and a former bat girl) get drunk on eggnog and a game of I Never breaks out. </p>
<p>All of it goes well (that's a lie) until Bab's declares, “I never wanted to marry Dick Grayson when I was a kid—that came later.”<br/>And everyone takes a sip.</p>
<p>Hilarity ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. This is Stupid

**Author's Note:**

> Apparently there is an unauthorized (not that I really mind) Chinese translation here for chapter 1: http://qing.weibo.com/1761148172/68f8fd0c33002vhd.html
> 
>  
> 
> So this whole I Never thing was a set up to have the three younger Robins admit they wanted to marry Dick at some point during their childhood. 
> 
> Mostly it's innocent (erm kinda), but there is a lot of sex humour in this just to warn you.

“This is stupid,” Jason repeated. 

It was a few days before Christmas in Gotham and the whole batfamily had gathered to celebrate the occasion, including Jason Todd who, despite not being in his father’s good graces got an invite anyway for reasons that don’t really need to be discussed right now. 

\--But probably involved Nightwing begging, threatening and bribing since he was the one most into the whole holiday thing. Jason came for nothing more than Alfred’s eggnog and the opportunity to annoy the Replacement and the Replacement’s Replacement. 

“You said drinking game,” Barbara Gordon smirked raising her large glass of rum and eggnog, “And I said I never. Are you chicken Little Wing?”

“Don’t call me that,” Jason grumbled. The only one that got to call him that was Dick and that was only because Dick was impervious to death glares, death threats, and liked it when Jason gave him his own stupid nicknames, “I’m not afraid of a drinking game Oracle. I’m only worried you and all your delicate sensibilities will go into shock with the amount of things I’ve done. I mean I instantly lose don’t I?”

“Yeah, I agree, Jason is a loser,” Tim said deadpan.

“Zing,” Dick said. He was fighting for a bit of space between Tim and Damian on the couch. Damian was sprawled, his feet over Dick’s lap attempting to subtly kick Tim while the other was reaching around behind him trying to pinch Damian’s arm.

Jason threw a coaster at Tim’s head, which grazed Dick’s cheek instead. 

“Ow. Jason!” 

“You all realize I know all of your secrets and a lot of them come with pictures,” Oracle threatened. 

The Robins went silent for a moment.

“This is stupid.” Jason repeated. 

“I was really hoping to watch _It’s a Wonderful Life._ ” Dick ventured.

“Fine we’ll play the stupid (girly) drinking game,” Jason grumbled. 

Dick sighed, “I’m never going to see past the credits of that movie am I? Bruce was right.” 

-

“This is stupid." Damian protested, "Why do Fatgirl and Cassandra get out of it?”

They all sat in a circle holding spiked eggnog, except for Damian of course.

“Why is Batbrat playing in the first place? This game’s about getting drunk, not getting sick on straight eggnog,” Jason pointed out. 

“Cas and Steph pulled patrol with Bruce. And it’s about scandal, not drunkenness. Think of it as a trust exercise. Now does everyone know how to play?” Barbara demanded.

“When it’s your turn you say something that you’ve never done, if someone else has done it they have to take a drink,” Dick recited. It was obvious he’d had to play this game with Babs before. Whipped. 

“Then you start Dick,” She grinned.

“Uh… okay… I never… shaved my legs as Robin,” he gave a vicious grin in Jason’s direction. Jason rolled his eyes taking a sip.

“Shut up, the red hair gave away the fact that I didn’t have black hair. Bruce forced me. Yet another emotionally scarring page from my life in this Manor.”

Tim snorted, “Girl.”

“My turn,” Jason glanced around the room, “I never had boobs.” 

Babs rolled her eyes taking a sip and nearly spat it out when Tim took one as well. 

“What?” Tim asked when all of them stared. Damian looked like his birthday had come early.

“I always knew you were a girl Drake,” Damian snickered.

Jason beamed at sweet, sweet Karma. 

Tim looked a little panic realizing the fodder for blackmail he had potentially unleashed, “What? No! There was a Titan’s mission and a laser beam and we switched bodies and it was super awkward and I don’t want to talk about this!” Tim snapped crossing his arms. 

“Who was it?” Dick asked curiously.

“I REALLY don’t want to talk about this!”

“Wonder Girl?” 

“Shut up Dick!”

“The new Speedy?”

“Just leave it alone!”

“Oh God!” Dick looked at him with horror, “It wasn’t… was it Starfire?” 

Tim buried his head in his hands.

“You were in my ex’s body? Wait, how old were you at the time?”

“Fourteen,” Tim said faintly. 

The group paused thinking of the implications of this.

“She said to explore all I wanted before we switched back,” Tim said his voice going a little high pitched. “I didn’t undress for a week.” 

The rest of the group burst into laughter.

“Shut up! It’s my turn!” Tim said trying to get the focus off himself, “I never KILLED anyone.” 

“Pfft, lame,” Jason rolled his eyes. 

“-Tt- agreed--Wait GRAYSON?!” Damian sprang from the couch pointing as Dick took a sip. Dick looked a bit ashamed. Jason rolled his eyes.

“Blockbuster doesn’t count,” He said stonily.

“He does to me!” Dick said looking down into his glass gloomily. 

“No! Wait you need to explain this to me you hypocrite!!!” Damian shouted in front of Dick who was looking away.

“Calm your tits birdie," Jason said looking bored, "Golden Boy didn’t kill anyone."

Babs nodded, “A villain found out everything, his identity, where he lived, he did… awful things. He blew up the apartment Dick lived in killing most of the tenants. Dick was an emotional wreck, but he didn’t kill the bastard,” She hit Dick’s shoulder, “He stood by while Blockbuster was killed by the second Tarantula. Doesn’t count Dick, you were emotionally and mentally exhausted.” 

“Oh, that doesn’t count,” Damian echoed rolling his eyes as if Dick were being a drama queen, “Why don’t you stand by and let me kill people. It would really make our team more efficient.”

“I should have saved him and it’s my fault that he’s—”

“All in favour that it doesn’t count and that Blockbuster was a scumbag who deserved death anyway so we can move the fuck on with this stupid game raise your hand,” Jason said. Everyone but Dick raised their hand.

“Good, settled.” Jason dumped some of his drink into Dick’s glass and then clicked them together. Dick still looked ashamed but, a little moved at the same time, “Kid, go. The faster I get to the bottom of my glass the faster this will end.” 

Damian was glaring at Tim partially because he was usually glaring at Tim, but partially because he had brought up bad memories with Grayson and Grayson was bound to be clingier and more overprotective than usual now. Not to mention mopey. If sunny happy Grayson was annoying, depressed Grayson was unbearable. 

“I’ve never had sex with Superboy.”

“I haven’t either you little freak!” Tim shouted going red, “We’re friends!!”

“More than friends from what I’ve seen,” Damian huffed, “Besides it wasn’t directed at you, it was directed at everyone.” 

“I haven’t slept with him!” Tim repeated. 

“Not even when you were a girl? Surely any barriers the two of you might have had would have fallen away.”

“I’ve never slept with him!!!”

“Oh! I see, I’m sorry you haven’t consummated your relationship yet. No wonder you’re so frustrated all the time.” 

The younger birds lunged at each other. 

“Okay, okay enough you two,” Dick said in exasperation trying to separate the two. Damian secretly smirked, his plan had worked perfectly. Grayson was too busy being a big brother to dwell on his past mistakes. It did backfire just a little when Grayson went into a speech about how even if Tim was dating Superboy it would be nothing to be ashamed of and they would make a good couple anyway and was Tim was sure there was no connection there? Because they'd _really_ make a good couple.

They all sat back down after more violent denials from Drake. No one took a drink for that one.

“My turn!” Barbara said gleefully, “Let’s see… should I be gentle for the first time? I suppose since you boys have been playing so viciously I’ll give you one gimme. I’ve never been a Robin.”

Everyone took a drink. 

“I’ve never been Batgirl,” Dick instantly countered.

“Cute Guy Wonder,” Barbara grinned.

“I’ve never had a threesome—sorry a sexual threesome with Arsenal and Starfire,” Jason smirked. Dick nearly choked, “Where’d you hear about that?”

“Let’s just say Roy has a big mouth when he has too many beers. He misses you by the way,” Jason winked. Dick took a sip his cheeks burning.

“You had sex with a boy and you never told me?!” Babs demanded hitting Dick’s shoulder. Apparently she didn’t care about the Starfire part more of the fact that there was gay Nightwing porn and she didn’t get to hear about it… in detail. 

“I’m surprised she doesn’t have a video of it,” Jason muttered.

“I’m surprised Drake doesn’t have a video of it,” Damian responded. 

“Shut up!” Tim attempted to launch himself at Damian again, but Dick blocked him.

“We were drunk,” He enunciated, “and it only happened once.”

“That is not how Roy tells it… in fond detail.”

“Shut up Jason!”  
“Who was on the bottom… you were on the bottom right? Please say you were on the bott--”

“Shut up Babs!!” 

“You owe me details!” She growled. 

“I’ve never been dead!” Tim yelled before the oversharing could begin. 

“Low blow Replacement,” Jason took a sip. He then glared over at Dick.

“What?”

“Your heart stopped you were legally dead. Drink.” 

“Fine,” Dick shrugged taking a drink only too glad that they had moved away from his sexual exploits. 

“I never smoked pot,” Damian said. It was an obvious shot at Jason, but it was everyone but Jason that took a drink.

“Grayson!” 

Jason snorted at how pure Dick was in the kid’s eyes.

“Ain’t no party like a Teen Titan Party Damian,” Dick grinned tapping his glass with Tim’s. 

“What about Todd?!” Damian demanded. 

“I never smoked pot,” Jason said holding up a hand shaking his head, “Smoking was one thing, but if Bruce ever caught me with MJ? He’d rip me to shreds. When I came back I was more likely to smoke a dealer than his product anyway.” 

“-Tt-”

“Right, here’s a good one,” Babs eyes gleamed with mischief, “I never wanted to marry Dick Grayson when I was a kid—that came later.” 

“What a wasted—” Dick began.

“This game is stupid!” The other three Robins suddenly declared looking away.

“Question…? Wait what?”

Dick looked from one brother to the other. 

“Oh fuck it, fine.” Jason took a sip and spread his arms aggressively, “What of it?” 

“It’s not like… it’s not…” Tim tried but eventually gave up and took a sip. His face was bright red from all the embarrassment and all the alcohol in his system. 

Damian was also bright red, “Out of context it’s… it needs context!” Damian cried finally taking a sip of his own. 

Barbara chuckled evilly, “I knew at least one of you, but all three? It really IS Christmas!” 

“Shut up! It’s not like you don’t get off on it you evil woman!!” Jason shouted. 

“But, wait! You guys are my brothers!” Dick said dumbly trying to comprehend this.  
The other Robins kindly didn’t point out that all of them were unrelated and only had brotherly affection for Dick and not each other, probably because that would have made the whole situation worse.

“Okay fine,” Jason sighed, “I will tell you why I wanted to marry Dickie-bird. I plan to drink a lot more eggnog and not remember any of this in the morning and if any of you mention it to me again I will eviscerate you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's part one, part two is an explanation from the three young Robins. Whether they're good explanations will remain to be seen. 
> 
> ... this was supposed to be a cute story...
> 
> It really was...
> 
> It turned raunchy really fast...


	2. Story Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Each bird in turn tells the story of why they wanted to marry Dick. Jason's going to need more alcohol to get through this.

I was thirteen, keep in mind I was thirteen. Batman was giving me hell for breaking the Riddler’s arm. He was going on and on about how he couldn’t trust me and shit like that. He said he’d infiltrate the villain of the week another way: as a civilian and that I had no place on this mission ‘growl, growl JUSTICE growl’ the usual. That pissed me right off. 

So we’re in the entrance hall a few days later. He has a ridiculous blond wig and beard that made him look kinda like Green Arrow and I’m screaming at him to change his mind, but he’s having none of it. There’s a knock at the door and Alfred gets it.

“That’s my date.” Bruce is absolutely smirking at this point, as if to rub it all in. He opens the door and there’s this… okay I admit it. There’s this absolutely gorgeous woman standing there in this… blue dress and glittery jewelry. I thought she looked like a princess. She wasn’t like the usual money grabbers that Brucie would go out with. I could tell she had class and she didn’t look right through me either. She actually looked at me with kind pretty blue eyes and gave me an embarrassed smile. She was about to say something, but Bruce quickly grabbed her by the arm.

“Be good,” He said briskly, “Go to bed and don’t wait up.” 

Fuck that, I thought. As soon as they had closed the door I took off my bathrobe which was covering the suit I was wearing. I used my excellent stealth skills to sneak myself into the trunk of the car. 

There wasn’t much to do but listen as Bruce talked about the plan, but it was loud back there and I couldn’t really hear her responses. I realized quickly though that she knew who he was.

She knew he was Batman!

Did that mean Bruce was serious with her? I didn’t know how to feel about it, remember I was thirteen. I was actually a little jealous probably. 

I heard her say something about, “Why did you ask me to do this?”

And Bruce saying something like, “You look good in that dress.”

Bruce was flirting! No. Batman was flirting. This really was serious and kind of freaky!!

We finally came to the mansion of the villain; I don’t even remember who it was. Not one of the usual crazy costumed crowd at any rate. Bruce and the Woman in Blue made their way up to the entrance. As soon as the car was parked by the valet I snuck in through a window and made my way into the party. It had to be some small time crime family since there were kids my age around who didn’t seem fazed by guys with guns. 

Everything was going alright. I was collecting Intel since no one really watched what they were saying in front of a kid. Every time Bruce or the woman was around I would duck under a table or behind someone’s legs. At one point I got above Bruce and the Women in Blue on a staircase while they were talking with the Big Baddie.

“Your date tonight is lovely Mr. Thomas, what is her name?” 

“This is Robyn,” Bruce said with a private smirk. Robyn didn’t look amused, but it was a quick moment that the baddie didn’t catch. She gave him a sweet smile. 

“You’ll excuse her for not talking, she’s mute,” Bruce lied.

Robyn made a bunch of quick gestures in sign language to the baddie which was basically, _“Pleased to meet you handsome.”_

He looked at her blankly.

_“We should dump this loser and go have sex. Lots of sex. Lots of hard kinky sex. This guy beside me can’t get it up half the time. He’s really awful in bed, and he has the strangest fetish for bats.”_

…I might have turned a bit red at that point, I’ll admit it. 

He didn’t even twitch an eyebrow. 

_“Robyn? Really?”_ The woman finally asked when she was sure the baddie didn’t understand what she was saying, _“What would the Boy Wonder think?”_ Bruce put an arm around her. She stiffened.

“Robyn’s the perfect companion,” Bruce added, “Easy to tune out.” Robyn was glaring openly now.

“But she can still hear you, you shouldn’t be such a pig to such a pretty bird as her,” the baddie took Robyn’s hand and kissed it. I was nearly foaming at the mouth by this point. Bruce was using MY name and obviously didn’t appreciate the Woman in Blue at all. 

Eventually the other shoe dropped. Bruce and ‘Robyn’ were found out and the whole house was filled with the Baddie’s people. I was grabbed and thrown in with them. “Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing Mr. Thomas,” The baddie hissed, he was holding a gun pointing at our fearless leader, “You don’t think I don’t know who tipped off the cops? You’re going to die like a dog—you and your brat, but mm, I must say I am pleased you brought such a beautiful companion with you. I’ll definitely keep the pretty bird around for a while. I’ll have fun making her scream.” 

“Go.” Bruce commanded. 

Robyn, who had looked scared and meek a few seconds ago was suddenly kicking up her blue high heel hitting the gun and sending it flying, along with the shoe. She kicked off the other one and grinned spreading her arms and wiggling her fingers towards the men surrounding us.

_“Bring it on.”_

I think that was that moment when I thought to myself, ‘When I grow up I’m going to marry that girl.’

The room descended into chaos. The Woman in Blue was the most graceful fighter I had ever seen, even with the full skirt. I was so into watching her that I almost got stabbed in the gut by one of the goons. She flipped gracefully landing by my side and punching him right in the face sending him sprawling back. It was then that my illusions were shattered.

“Be more careful Little Wing!” She said in an obvious male voice. Nightwing. She was Nightwing.

-

Everyone was laughing by the end.

“How could you mistake Grayson for a woman?” Damian asked as if Jason was about the most stupid person in existence.

“Have you seen Bluebird in a dress? Besides, he was what? Sixteen, seventeen? He had girly features! He still does!” Jason said pinching Dick’s face viciously.

“Ow, ow, ow! Stop it!” 

“How did you not know it was him?!” Tim cried gasping for breath.

“I had only met him out of costume once to drop off a package. The rest of the time he was wearing a mask or Bruce would shoo me off so they could argue! Bruce had hidden all the pictures! This was the first mission they had worked together for a long time!” 

“Another thing that you never told me about,” Babs said, dangerously glaring at Dick, “Did Alfred take any pictures?”

“No!” Dick said his face as red as Jason’s, “You didn’t know it was me? You thought I was _pretty?_ ” 

“Yes Dickie-bird I thought you were pretty,” Jason rolled his eyes, “Because you looked like a girl, you still do!” 

“This is hilarious,” Tim giggled.

“Shut up. It’s yet _another_ emotionally scarring event that took place when I was living here,” Jason drained his eggnog, “My preference for tough leggy athletic women STEMS from Robyn. My first sex dreams were about Dick with boobs! You people wonder why I’m resentful?”

“Ugh! You’re disgusting Todd! Stop talking about it!” Damian demanded. 

“You’re obviously drunk,” Dick said nervously. 

“Obviously not enough!” Jason replied taking Tim’s eggnog and downing it, “Your turn Timmy. Just why did _you_ want to tie the knot with big brother?” 

Tim’s giggles suddenly subsided. 

“I never said I’d tell you.” 

“I don’t know, I think with the stalking it’s self-explanatory. He’s a depraved sexual deviant, much like Todd.” Damian explained, “You’re lucky Grayson. If my father had not taken him in you might have found yourself bound in a basement with a white veil.” 

“Dick in white?” Babs snorted, “Yeah right.” 

“It wasn’t like that!” Tim denied, “It wasn’t anything weird! It’s not as bad as Jason’s!” 

“I still sometimes have sex dreams about Dick with boobs…”

“Shut up Jason!” Dick blushed pushing more alcohol into his younger brother’s hand. He was hoping the vigilante would soon pass out. 

“I love your little brothers,” Babs sighed in satisfaction. 

“It really wasn’t weird!” Tim repeated.

-

As you all know I was interested in Dick because I saw his parents _murdered_ and I was _worried_ about him! He was a little older than me, but I can still remember the look on his face when it happened. I followed his story in the newspaper and on TV. It was a way for me to deal with what I had seen, focusing on him instead of my own feelings!

(“Is that what your psychiatrist tells you?”)

Shut up Damian! Anyway, when he was taken in by Bruce I was really happy for him, that he wouldn’t be alone anymore. I told my dad and he was a bit… antsy that I was taking so much interest in him.

(“Yeah, stalking a nine year old boy IS pretty disturbing.”)

Shut up Damian!!! Dad started hiding the newspaper and not letting me watch the news. I think he was hoping I would forget about it. Maybe he thought that it would fade from my mind but… it just made me worry! What if Dick wasn’t happy? What if Bruce Wayne was mistreating him? I mean all the stuff on the news about Bruce that I had seen before I was cut off wasn’t all that complementary of his character. 

It probably didn’t help that I was reading a lot of fairy tales concerning captured princes and princesses by evil kings. I was sure that Dick was in trouble and I couldn’t let anything to happen to him, not again! So I came up with a plan…

(“Oh Jesus you really were going to do the basement thing!”)

Shut up Jason! I was six at the time, six! I could barely tie my shoes much less put anyone in my basement! I decided that I would go visit him. I put on a coat and put provisions in my bag and after bedtime I snuck out of the house.

(“Wait! Tim you were out on the streets of Gotham at night all by yourself?!”)

Dick, please let me go on. I was six and I didn’t know any better. I… as I said I read a lot of fairy tales so I was thinking it would all work out. I was the hero that was going to rescue you and—

(“Get married and live happily ever after? Oh my God that’s adorable!”)

Babs! So yeah… basically that was what had happened. I went out into the dark and started walking. I instantly got lost and scared and didn’t know what to do. I was starting to panic and every shadow set me running. Eventually I was cowering by a garbage can, hands over my head wishing I had never left my house, when suddenly, there he was.

“Hey, what are you doing here little guy? Are you lost?” Robin the Boy Wonder had appeared in front of me, yellow cape throwing off all the creeping shadows. I burst into tears. He picked me up and comforted me.

“Batman!” he had called. When Batman appeared I started crying even harder because… well he was scary. He was exactly what I expected to find at the end of my journey bent over Dick’s dead body. Batman quickly left after saying something to Robin. After I calmed down Robin took me by the hand and asked my address. He walked me home. I begged him not to tell my dad. After some internal debate he used his grappling hook to pull himself up on the tree by my window and stick me in. He even tucked me in.

-

“Awwww,” Babs was nearly melting at the adorableness. Damian looked a bit disgusted, Todd was muttering about how Dick never tucked him in.

“So in the end it was like he was the prince that saved you!” Babs gushed.

“Um… yeah...” Tim said staring at the ceiling pointedly not looking at Dick. “I thought it was a dream for the longest time, but I found the marks in the tree from where the grappling hook hit.”

“I think I remember this,” Dick said trying to think back, “It was pretty soon after I had first become Robin and Bruce gave me heck for not talking to your Mom and Dad. He kept going on and on about how you’d probably go wandering again. I pointed out how terrified you were, but the next night I hung around the area to make sure you didn’t run off. From then on I always informed the parents when I found any lost kids.” 

“You’re right,” Babs said after a short pause, “It’s way better than Jason’s story.”

“Shaddup Oracle.” 

“You really are pathetic Drake,” Damian sniffed, “Crying in the dark, trying to be a hero clinging on to Grayson. Some things never change.”

“Whatever Damian, why do you want to marry Dick?” Tim asked, “You’ve known him for what? A year?” 

Damian gave a hard glare his cheeks going pink, “It’s not like that, it wasn’t… in context it—”

“Then enlighten us bat-brat,” Jason said stealing Damian’s eggnog downing it and then wrinkling his nose when he realized there was no alcohol in it.

“Here, just take it,” Bab’s said shaking her head.

-

If you must know…

In my case it was not a matter of foolish mistaken identity like Todd’s or hero-worship like Drake’s. In my story it all came down to a matter of life and death.

…

Don’t look so skeptical. 

It happened before my father’s return. Grayson and my partnership had grown to a satisfactory arrangement and we had developed a rhythm of sorts. I had come to terms with taking permanent residence with Grayson and Pennyworth to work towards one day receiving my Father’s mantel. It was a tolerable situation… if you take out the assorted menagerie of Grayson’s friends and the presence of Drake.

(“Oh would you give it a rest?”)

It started with a letter, innocuous and inoffensive at first glance. It was addressed to me from the government. Little did I know when I opened it that I would be facing a foe greater than I had ever faced before…

Immigration. 

Stop laughing! This was serious! They had me dead to rights. I was technically an illegal alien in the country. Although I was my father’s biological son his name wasn’t on my birth certificate. Apparently no one had bothered to do any of the paperwork.

(“No one asked me to.”)

Aren’t you supposed to be three steps ahead of this sort of thing Gordon? It didn’t matter. At first, I thought it was some sort of joke, but… there was no one I knew that would have sent it. Grayson’s humour is blunt and usually involves stupid puns.

(“Why didn’t you tell me about this!??!?—what do you mean? I’m very Punny”)

Drake’s is too elaborate and not funny.

(“I’m hilarious.”)

And Todd’s usually involves a pipe bomb.

(“Pipe bomb!! Haha! That’s a good one!”) 

I checked for its authenticity and found my fears confirmed. It was indeed genuine, which would make this much harder.

(“Again. Why didn’t you tell me about this?”)

I’m telling you now Grayson, so shut up and listen. 

My first step was to go and yell at Grayson for his incompetence, but I realized it would not have been him that would have cleared up my citizenship. It would have been my father, who, as far as we knew, was dead in the ground. While I could see Grayson making a mess of things--

(“Your confidence in me is astounding.”)

\--I knew my father would not get tripped up over a silly thing like this. These were official documents, but it didn’t mean that they couldn’t have been manipulated. It didn’t take long to see the motive, the means, the person who was orchestrating this.

(“Who?”)

The most manipulative person I know, my mother.

(“WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME ABOUT THIS?!?”)

Shut up Grayson or I shall not explain anything. 

…

Good.

I was at a loss, but after getting Oracle to subtly check some things out for me—

(“Okay why didn’t YOU tell me about this?”)

(“You’re so sweet when you’re worried about your little brothers.”)

\--and I confirmed my suspicions. The paperwork was filed, but ‘lost.’ Any attempt to contact my father me or Grayson was blocked. 

It was my mother and so a letter from immigration took a deadlier turn. 

Todd, give Grayson some of that alcohol, he looks like he’s about to have a nervous breakdown. 

I had to move fast if I was going to stop Immigration from trying to ship me out of the country and thwart whatever it was my mother was planning. I was at the hub all night attempting to hack into the government database, usually an easy task, unfortunately there were firewalls that didn’t belong there. 

A message came on to the screen.

**My Son, I think it is time for us to talk.**

And coordinates. Before you shout at me about not trusting you and not telling you anything Grayson there was more attached to the message. Pictures of you. In uniform, out of uniform, _sleeping_. The threat was obvious. I had no choice but to go alone.

(“We could have dealt with this together.”)

It was a time in our relationship where, although I did… trust you as a partner, I did not want to… forget it. It was my business, not yours. I was going to deal with it in my own way. 

(“Oh, Damian…”)

I went to the coordinates. An uncharted island in the south pacific. I had to be careful. My mother would not kill me, but she would harm me to get what she wished. It could be a trap. 

She waited for me at the highest point of the island a fire lit. There were men, but they did not approach me.

“My son.” She smiled, but it was distracted. 

“Mother, why have you done all this? It was you that sent me to my father. It was you who put me on this path.”

(“This is totally like a movie I once saw…”)

(“Be quiet Jason, it’s just getting good!”)

She crossed her arms frowning at me, “Yes, I sent you to your father so that you might learn from _him_ , not a boy from the circus that can barely function without my Beloved’s aid.” 

She was grieving still. I thought perhaps she wasn’t thinking clearly, but that couldn’t be it. I knew not to underestimate her.

“By following Grayson I come closer to my father’s mantel.” 

It’s what she wanted for me, at least that’s what I had been raised to believe, but my own emotions had distracted me from my mother’s real wants. I was a tool to bring her lover closer to her. Now that he was dead the mantel of Batman had become meaningless. I was supposed to kill my father and take his place. That was her plan, but he had died on his own. She must have been bitter. 

“Batman is dead,” she said bluntly, “And you can learn under my tutelage. I will not have my son in the care of some carny buffoon.”

(“Hey!”)

Her words, not mine. 

(“I think I’ve heard you use those words before though in reference to Dick.”)

Shut up Drake. Such a snitch. 

(“You say it to his face all the time. It’s not like it’s a secret.”)

(“Shut up you guys I want to know what happens!”) 

It’s not a bedtime story Todd. 

“I want my citizenship mother. I want you to stop interfering.” 

“I want you to come home, there’s no reason for you to be here any longer.” 

“I am meant to take up my father’s mantle, not even you can deter me from this goal Mother. If it means suffering Grayson’s tutelage then so be it.” 

(“Tell me how you really feel…”)

Don’t pout Grayson. 

My mother was no pleased by my answer.

“I will not be indulging you on this my son.”

“Then I shall find another way to maintain my citizenship,” I hissed. 

“And how will you do that?”

It would be difficult, but there are ways. Oracle might have been able to hack in past my mother’s firewalls, I could go into the paperwork, slip it in, but this was a power game. My mother had the upper hand. I needed to make a bold statement to make her back off, at least for the moment. 

“I’ll marry an American,” I shrugged.

“Oh yes? You a boy of ten?” 

“Mother I have had the best teachers that you could bring me. I have for a short time learned under my father. What makes you think age would stop me?” She looked amused by it, but I would wipe the look off her face. 

“And who would you take the hand of?”

I smirked at her, “Grayson. Or perhaps I should call him Dick? He’s the logical choice.”

My mother has one of the best poker faces in the world, but I saw a glimmer of horror in her eyes and the smallest of shudders at the very suggestion.

“You’d never be able to pull it off,” The amused look was gone. Now she was sharp, alert. 

“As you know mother, records can be … doctored. I change ten into twenty and forge a few signatures. New Jersey recognises same-sex unions. Did you know? I could be in matrimonial bliss by the end of the night.”

“I wouldn’t _allow_ you to get away with it!”

“Yes mother, but for a few days I will be, _officially,_ Damian Grayson.” We were silent for a moment, staring each other down. 

“Or I could get him to adopt me. It’s rather a nice symmetry, don’t you think? You wouldn’t be able to contest it officially, you being a terrorist and all.” 

“You’re being ridiculous,” she looked ready to strike me, “But,” and her face smoothed as calm took her, “I am impressed by how far you are willing to go to defeat me. The very thought of you debasing your name _our_ name cuts me to the quick. Very well my son, I shall allow you to remain with the Circus Boy, but don’t think this is the end.” 

And thus, I was triumphant.

-

The three former Robins stared at their little brother not quite knowing what to make of it.

“Your family’s so fucked up.” Tim finally declared.

“Oh my God! Dickie! Dickie!!” Dick was grabbed by the shoulders, “Don’t you see? Me plus the Brat minus a hood equals the Replacement!!!” Jason cried as if he had just unlocked all the secrets of the universe. 

“Pot meet kettle,” Dick said gesturing to Jason who hung off him drunkenly.

“He’s not my brother,” Tim and Damian said at once crossing their arms in unison.

CLICK.

“What the hell Gordon!?” Damian demanded. Babs put her phone back in her pocket. It was the perfect picture. Tim and Damian mirrored each other’s pouts while Dick rolled his eyes and Jason clung to him drunkenly. 

Facebook or blackmail? 

“You know Damian, as I remember it,” Babs said slowly, a devilish look on her face, “Wasn’t there another time when you and Steph were playing truth or dare—”

“As if I would demean myself by playing such a game with Fatgirl!”

“—and you said truth.—”

“This has no bearing on anything Gordon! Grayson, don’t listen to her.”

“—And she asked if you had to choose any one in the Bat-fam to marry who would it be.—”

“Shut up, I’m being misquoted, completely misquoted!”

“—And you said Dick, with absolutely no hesitation.” 

Damian had turned red, “I didn’t… there wasn’t… I misunderstood her! How dare she break her oath never to tell a living soul!” Damian gritted his teeth. He looked ready to murder the Batgirl… either of them. 

“You know Katana totally counts as in the family right?” Tim asked rubbing it in. Damian lunged and the two were soon rolling on the floor, locked in battle. 

Dick collapsed back on the couch his face was pink from embarrassment. Jason was idly playing with his hair. 

“Your hair is very soft,” He said petting it delicately like a two year old running their hands over merchandise in clothing store. 

“I always thought you’d be an angry drunk Jason,” Dick said too emotionally shocked at all these revelations to protest. 

“Happy or horny, that’s me,” Jason said cheerfully, “You said Alfred _didn’t_ have pictures of you in that dress right?”

Dick suddenly sprung up with all the grace of his acrobatic heritage allowed him, only mildly dulled by the small bit of alcohol he was able to consume before Jason stole it all. 

“That’s it! We’re watching _It’s a Wonderful Life_!” He declared angrily. 

“Aw, but things were just getting interesting,” Babs pouted. She watched in amusement as the oldest of Bruce Wayne’s boys grabbed his fighting younger siblings by the ear dragging them toward the movie room. Jason wobbled in confusion, but decided to follow. 

Barbara chuckled at the boys antics. 

“That wasn’t very fair Ms. Gordon,” Alfred said demurely as he picked up the empty glasses of eggnog. He had probably heard the whole thing. 

“Wasn’t it?” She asked. 

“I believe the rules of the game state that the one going must state something that _they’ve_ never done or felt before.” 

“Ah, well they don’t need to know the truth,” She said fondly watching the Robins retreating backs. 

-

It was at a banquet and the boy I was with was younger than me and maybe a bit cocky. I didn’t really like that quality of him, but that’s probably because I was cocky too. It would have been easy not to like him, but underneath his self-assured posturing he was kind, deeply kind and a little bit sad. I didn’t understand that part of him at the time. We were out of costumes, no Batgirl or Robin today. It was just Barbara and Dick. Half the girls there were jealous, but I thought to myself ‘I have no interest in this little boy.’ I was quite smug in our platonic friendship. Unlike these silly girls I wasn’t pulled in by his easy charm. 

Eventually we ended up on the roof. And he said my hair was beautiful. He always has had a thing for redheads. Maybe I sparked something in him. 

And like a lot of first crushes go, as we stood above it all, the wind blowing around me and a cute Boy Wonder at my side I must have thought to myself…

One day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end!
> 
> It became fluffy at the end, but the story flowed that way and who am I to deny the Muse? 
> 
> I love picking on Jason...and Dick... and Damian... and Tim...
> 
> Barbara is a troll, but she's a troll that loves her boys.


End file.
